Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.