For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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New mindset, who dis?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Animal poetry
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.