I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that