I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.