If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.