Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
? 💀
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Blew out my flip flop…
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage