Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.