Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.