“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
nice challenge
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I have a new favorite meme page
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine