Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
When you’re here for the treats.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news