I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.