Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
what the
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings