Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
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“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
this is the best interaction on twitter
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.