Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
my one true gender
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Don’t we all.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’