[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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Have a lovely day 😊
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!