Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I self medicate, therefore you live.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.