“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.