5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You wish you had this many chins.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*