[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
You Might Also Like
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
you stereotypes are all alike
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*