when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
britain’s three elite institutions
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.