Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Worlds greatest photobomb
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
😍😂🥰😂😍
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.