One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Noah was an idiot.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I beg your pardon?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography