There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)