waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
cat vs inanimate object
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.