[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical