me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*checks Timeline*…
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones