Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
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Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Finally!
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.