Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you