Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
me hitting on a model
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life