[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole