Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.