I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension