Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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watergate? u mean a dam??
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.