Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
How did we not see this back then?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.