JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
when someone rings the doorbell
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”