I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Don’t snitch tag.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.