Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?