everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
You Might Also Like
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.