Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
🤣✨#caturday
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
PLOT TWIST:
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.