beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.