Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You Might Also Like
Hell yeah 👍
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
adding to the discourse
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.