THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.