Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
It’s a gift
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.