Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You Might Also Like
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Saturday
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
This makes total sense…
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
See..?
.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
welcome back
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.