*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Thank you corporation very cool
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
goldfish mafia
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.