Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.