When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Life hack
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too