People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Quadruple digit IQ
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.