i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Wikigenius