“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[loses house key, starts a new life]
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.